1. Tell Them What Turns You On
Research suggests that better communication is key to better sex—and
no, we don't necessarily mean dirty talk. Communicating what you like
and don't like can be instructional and informative, no matter how much
you think you already know each other's bodies. If they're doing
something you like, say so rather than relying on
ambiguous gestures or noises. And if it's something you're not into,
communicate that or guide them in a new direction. Want to try a
different angle? Suggest one. If simultaneous orgasm is your goal and
you're close to climaxing, don't be mum about it.
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2. Give Them a Confidence Boost
In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research,
researchers analyzed answers from 39,000 heterosexual couples that were
married or cohabiting for over three years. Sexual satisfaction
reported to be higher among the couples who revealed that they gave each
other positive affirmation during sex and were open enough about embarrassing moments
during sex to joke about them and move on. Dr. Jaffrey notes that this
lighthearted approach to sex is key, saying, "Don't take life too
seriously. Happy couples laugh together."
3. Keep Things Spontaneous
Even
great sex can start to feel monotonous over time if it's more or less
the same old routine. To mix things up, Marie Claire's guy expert Lodro
Rinzler suggests: "If you're in bed with someone and have a sense of
something new you or your partner might enjoy, be it some teasing, a
change in position, anything…go for it."
Dr.
Jaffrey also recommends switching up the time and place to avoid falling
into a rut of once-a-week "duty sex." "Try new places to have sex,
maybe on the sofa, in the car or on the kitchen countertops? Or how
about the back row of a movie theater? Be careful though, because sex is
illegal in public places. Try role-playing...take a bath together. Be
inventive, have fun."
Long-term desire is built
on a foundation of novelty. Otherwise erotic energy will naturally
dissipate for most couples. Trying new things is the key to keeping the
fire going.
4. Foreplay Should Start Days Beforehand
Jaffrey
notes that setting the mood for sex is vital, for women especially, and
that foreplay should start long before sex even begins: "I am talking
here about the mental foreplay that happens days in advance, not the one
that you have just before sex. Make sure to be attentive to your
partner. Small gestures and nice comments are significant to setting the
right mood for sex." She also suggests keeping up communication during
the day through texts or emails.
5. Spend Time With Yourself, Too
Having
good sex requires knowing what you like in bed. The only way to fully
understand your pleasure potential is to masturbate and explore your
body. Masturbation is a healthy form of self-exploration and should be
encouraged for all people, even those in relationships. Studies show that masturbation doesn't make you want sex less, it actually has the opposite effect.
Try
to spend at least two days a week enjoying your own body. This will
improve your sex life, because your partner is not a mind reader. When
you know exactly how you like to be touched, you can better communicate
your desires to your partner.
6. Have an Orgasm Before Penetration
Before
you put anything inside a vagina, it's important that you're fully,
properly aroused. When you're aroused, the vagina expands and gets wet
while the genital tissue becomes engorged with blood. This helps
intercourse and penetration feel good rather than painful or
uncomfortable. Be sure you're giving adequate time and attention to the
clitoris. If possible, have an orgasm before penetration. Women and
female-bodied people have orgasms most reliably through oral sex or with
a sex toy. Make your pleasure a priority.
7. Expand Your Vocabulary
The power of sexy banter
in the bedroom gets underplayed, but it can be a serious mood-enhancer
when you're trying to liven things up together. Going about that,
however, isn't the easiest for people who aren't used to actually
vocalizing 50 Shades-esque fantasies.
"What my [clients] benefit the most from is when they go to a bookstore
or they go online and they find an erotic book," says Rapini.
She suggests that couples read from erotic books
together, especially if they want to work on developing a "dirty talk"
vocabulary that gives them the language cues without feeling
self-conscious. Reading off scripts, she says, never works as well as if
couples find a book they really like together and can build off of that
jargon.
8. Experiment with Toys and Props
One
way that Rapini counsels long-term couples on how to explore the
unknown to enhance their sexual experience is to try shopping for
products and toys together. That could mean anything from couples'
vibrators (she recommends the remote-controlled Fiera) to massage oils to body paint to blindfolds, though Rapini says another way to set the scene is to try adding music as sexy background noise.
"Make massage part of your routine and start touching each other. Many
couples will start feeling their libido rise after they do that," she
says.
9. Focus on Quality Rather Than Quantity
There
is no "right amount" of sex you should be having. This is a myth. As
long as both people are satisfied, you're doing great. There isn't one
golden rule, but a recent study suggested that more sex doesn't mean better sex and that the happiest couples have sex only once a week.
So if you're anxious about you and your partner not
screwing like rabbits, there's proof that the more energy you put into
making regular weekly sex *better* will pay off in the long run. Focus
on how much pleasure you and your partner are experiencing during any
one session, not how often you're physically hopping in bed.
10. Have empathy for one another.
It's
often underestimated how important empathy is when it comes to sex.
Empathy is the care and understanding of a another person's feelings,
and this is incredibly important in sex because when you feel that your
partner actually cares about your pleasure, you're going to be more into
having sex with them. We often come to sex with too much ego, and
that's a real shame. We should be understanding and loving towards one
another. Sex can be confusing, awkward, weird, and very hot. Make room
for your many, many feelings in order to co-create an amazing erotic
experience.
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